On the Lighter Side: The Wise Men of Chelm Resolve World Crises
By Israel Zwick, CN Publications, January 5, 2009
Editor’s Note: Prior to World War II, there was a town in Eastern Europe called Chelm. The elders of the town were known as the Wise Men of Chelm because of their renowned aptitude for solving daily problems. As a result of the turbulence in Europe during world War II, the Wise Men of Chelm relocated to Geneva, Switzerland where they established the Dialogue for Regional and Economic Cooperation, commonly known as DREC. The group was frequently called on to use their unique wisdom to resolve world crises. CN Publications has been able to obtain a transcript of their last meeting.
Chairman: We are convening today by special request of the distinguished representative of Hamastan, Professor Ahmed Kheshbon, who is concerned about the attacks on his territory from neighboring Yidenland. Professor Kheshbon would like us to intervene and put an immediate stop to the attacks on Hamastan.
Shmeryl: Mr. Chairman, before we begin the meeting, I would like to request that the window be closed, it’s very cold outside.
Chairman: Yes, Shmeryl, I am aware that it is cold outside, but if I close the window, would it get any warmer outside? I’m sorry but I have to deny your request because it makes no sense. Before we continue with today’s agenda, I would like to call on the Secretary to read the minutes of the last meeting.
Secretary: The first item on the agenda was a complaint that the funds that were given to Hamastan to build schools, hospitals, and housing were being abused and misdirected. Apparently, one of the contractors hired to build housing cut down some logs on top of a mountain and instead of rolling the logs down the mountain, he hired his family members to carry them down. So to avoid accusations that our funds were being misappropriated, we provided more funds to carry the logs back up the mountain and then roll them down.
Then we discussed the problems with the food program that we provided to feed the poor, suffering, hungry Hamasniks. Apparently, thieves broke into the warehouse that stored the food, carted it away on trucks, then sold it in the open market. So we appropriated more funds to buy more food but this time we built concrete walls around the food so that the thieves couldn’t get in. The only problem was that the legitimate administrators of the food program couldn’t get to the food either. So we appropriated more funds to buy ladders that were placed all around the concrete walls. This satisfied everyone and the problem was resolved.
Chairman: Now we would like to hear Prof. Kheshbon from Hamastan University explain why he asked us to convene this special meeting.
Prof. Kheshbon: Well apparently, several groups of a few bad boys were shooting some homemade firecrackers across the border into Yidenland, you know how boys can behave. The Yiden became overly upset about the small amount of damage and casualties that these firecrackers caused and started bombing our buildings, inflicting heavy damage and casualties. Now, we can accept that the Yiden might want to retaliate a bit, but it should be proportionate.
Chairman: What do you mean by proportionate?
Prof. Kheshbon: Well according to my calculations, there are about 1.5 million Hamasniks living in Hamasland, while there are about 6 million Yiden living in Yidenland. That’s four times the amount. So if the Yiden killed 500 Hamasniks, then we should be allowed to kill 2000 Yiden, which would be proportionality. So you should insist that the Yiden stop shooting at us until we can kill 2000 Yiden with our homemade firecrackers.
Chairman: But Prof. Kheshbon, wouldn’t it be easier and a lot less messy if you just stopped those bad boys from shooting the firecrackers at the Yiden?
Prof. Kheshbon: But that would be very difficult because these boys are justifiably angry and frustrated over the continuing occupation of our territory and everyone knows that anger and frustration can lead to violence.
Chairman: You mean the Yiden are occupying your land?
Prof. Kheshbon: Well, they’re not exactly occupying, but they are controlling access by land, sea, and air, all because of a handful of wayward boys that are shooting off some firecrackers.
Chairman: So wouldn’t it be a lot more effective to just stop shooting the firecrackers?
Prof. Kheshbon: No we need to get to the root cause of the problem, which is the anger, frustration, suffering, and oppression caused by 60 years of brutal occupation of our lands.
Chairman: So what do you propose?
Prof. Kheshbon: We need to have a completely independent sovereign state with complete access to all borders so we defend ourselves from the violent aggression perpetrated by the Yiden. An independent state of Hamastan, without any Yiden, would definitely solve the crisis.
Chairman: But how can we be sure that an independent Hamastan would live peacefully next to Yidenland?
Prof. Kheshbon: Well, that would solve the root cause of the problem, the wayward boys would no longer be angry, and there would be peace, harmony, and cooperation throughout the region, if only we had our own sovereign state.
Shloimy: Mr. Chairman, I would like to ask a question. The Hamasniks belong to a large league of 22 independent states that share the same religion, culture, and language, why do they need another micro-state which may be a cause of strife in the region?
Chairman: There you go asking your silly questions again. Prof. Kheshbon explained that if you get at the root cause of the problem and remove the occupation and anger, the problem would be resolved.
Shloimy: I still don’t understand. The world contains almost 5000 distinct ethnic and minority groups living in 190 countries. There are over 100 active autonomist and secessionist movements going on around the world. Why don’t they get their own independent states also?
Chairman: Shloimy, your silly questions are a disgrace to our reputation for wisdom, understanding, and promotion of humanitarian rights. You’re going to have to stop it.
Shloimy: I just don’t understand how the establishment of an independent Hamastan micro-state would lead to peace and harmony in the region. There is no historical evidence to support that contention. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier and cheaper to provide economic incentives for the Hamasniks to relocate to other states in their league to live a life free of suffering and deprivation?
Chairman: Shloimy, I can’t believe what you are saying! Are you promoting the ethnic cleansing of the Hamastan population?
Shloimy: Absolutely not, I’m just merely suggesting another way that the overcrowded, disadvantaged Hamasnik population might be able to enjoy a better life with greater comforts and free of ethnic strife.
Chairman: Shloimy, if I let you continue this, you are going to ruin the reputation of our DREC organization. Everyone in the world knows that the best way to resolve this crisis is the two-state solution that would give the Hamasniks their own independent state.
Shloimy: I’m just suggesting that perhaps we should also discuss some creative alternative solutions that might better resolve the crisis.
Chairman: Shloimy, if you continue this questioning, and challenge our renowned wisdom, I will have to hold you in contempt and have you removed from these chambers. You are completely out of order.
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